Grace the Moll
by Pjazz
Summary: Grace's prison penpal escapes and takes Will hostage. Jack is intimidated by a snooty English salesman and enlists Karen's help to cut him down to size.


Grace the Moll  
  
A Will and Grace fanfic by Pjazz  
  
2003  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
A BLEARY EYED WILL EMERGES FROM IS BEDROOM IN HIS DRESSING GOWN.  
  
HE PICKS UP THE MAIL, RIFFLES THROUGH IT.  
  
WILL  
  
Bills, bills, Amex, bills, - ooh, Gay Monthly magazine - bills, Grace Adler.   
  
Hmm, a letter for Grace delivered here by mistake. Shall I be a gentleman...?   
  
Nah, where's the fun in that.  
  
WILL TEARS LETTER OPEN, READS.  
  
HIS EYES BUG IN SURPRISE.  
  
WILL  
  
Whoa!  
  
CUT TO --  
  
WILL'S APARTMENT A LITLE LATER. WILL IS DRESSED, GRACE SEATED ON THE COUCH.  
  
GRACE  
  
I can't believe you opened my mail.  
  
WILL  
  
I can't believe you didn't tell me you were writing to the inmate of a federal penitentiary.  
  
GRACE  
  
I can't believe you opened my mail.  
  
WILL  
  
I can't believe your penpal is a convicted felon.  
  
GRACE  
  
I can't believe you opened my mail.  
  
WILL  
  
Grace, get over it. You steal my Gay Monthly magazine.  
  
GRACE  
  
Only for the fashion tips. This is personal.   
  
WILL  
  
How come you're writing to convicts anyway?   
  
There aren't enough law abiding men for you to hit on?  
  
GRACE  
  
A woman came to my office. She said she was trying to recruit people to write to people in prison. To help rehabilitate them. That's how I started writing to Hal.  
  
WILL  
  
Hal? Your prison penpal?  
  
GRACE  
  
Yeah. Harold Devoto. But he likes me to call him Hal.  
  
WILL  
  
Harold Devoto? Why does that name sound familiar? Oh please God, he's not Harold 'Heavy Hands' Devoto, is he?  
  
GRACE  
  
You know Hal? Isn't he a pussycat?  
  
WILL  
  
Pussycat? Grace, 'Heavy Hands Devoto' was one of the most notorious armed bank robbers of the last decade. Don't tell me you didn't know that?  
  
GRACE  
  
Hal told me he got into trouble working out some 'issues' from his childhood.  
  
WILL  
  
He worked out these childhood 'issues' by entering a bank, going up to the teller with a 12 gauge and yelling 'Give me all your money or I'll blow your frigging head off' - is that what you're saying?  
  
GRACE  
  
Robbing banks doesn't necessarily make him a bad person.  
  
WILL  
  
I hate to drag you back through the Looking Glass, Alice. But, yes. It does.   
  
Didn't you suspect something when his nickname's 'Heavy Hands'?  
  
GRACE  
  
I thought it was because he retained water in his fingers.  
  
WILL  
  
I see. Not because he uses his fists to pummel everyone in authority who crosses his path. Grace, this man mugged his childhood friends in Kindergarten for rusk money.  
  
GRACE  
  
There's no need to get so uptight about it. It's not as if we've ever going to meet.   
  
Hal's in the fifth year of a 20 year sentence.  
  
WILL  
  
Let's be grateful for small mercies.  
  
INT. CLOTHES SHOP, NYC.  
  
JACK ENTERS SHOP. WALKS UP TO SALES CLERK, CLARENCE, A SNOOTY ENGLISH TYPE.  
  
JACK  
  
Hi. I'd like to return these pants and get a refund.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
I see. And what exactly is wrong with the pants?  
  
JACK  
  
They're a little tight around the waist.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Are you sure sir hasn't gained a little weight since he purchased the item?  
  
JACK  
  
You saying I'm fat?  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Oh far be it from me to pass judgement on sir's physical condition. But yes, I am.  
  
JACK  
  
Hmm. Need a witty comeback. I'm not fat. Damn! That was lame.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
I'm sorry, sir. We don't give refunds.  
  
JACK  
  
I'm a customer. I have rights.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Not in this shop. We can hardly be held responsible if customers insist on stuffing their fat ugly faces with greasy fast food and sugary candies.  
  
JACK  
  
But I want a ---  
  
CLARENCE  
  
No.  
  
JACK  
  
But ---  
  
CLARENCE  
  
No.  
  
JACK  
  
(GRUNTS)  
  
CLARENCE  
  
No. Good day, sir. Mind on the way out the door doesn't hit you on your emormous arse.  
  
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING. LAUNDRY ROOM.  
  
GRACE IS FILLING THE DRIER. JACK PERCHES ON THE MACHINE DANGLING HIS LEGS.  
  
JACK  
  
And then this snooty English type looks down his supercilious nose and says 'mind the door doesn't hit you on your enormous arse.'  
  
GRACE  
  
Arse? What's an arse?  
  
JACK  
  
It's British for butt.  
  
GRACE  
  
That SOB. What did you say?  
  
JACK  
  
Nothing. I left like a scolded dog, dragging my tail behind me. English accents always intimidate me. I don't have an enormous butt, do I, Grace? Do I? Do I?  
  
GRACE  
  
No, Jack. You have a fine booty.  
  
JACK  
  
Thanks, Grace. You too. Though when are you going to grow boobies? Puberty's really taking it's time kicking in with you, huh?  
  
GRACE  
  
They may be small but they're perfectly formed.  
  
JACK  
  
You keep telling yourself that, Grace. May be one day it'll be true.  
  
GRACE  
  
What are you going to do about the pants?  
  
JACK  
  
Keep them I guess. I can't go back for another whupping.  
  
GRACE  
  
You should take Karen along. I've seen her reduce a waitress to tears just for putting two olives in her martini.   
  
(MIMICS KAREN) Honey, what's this? If I wanted two olives in my booze I'd visit the Betty Ford Clinic.'  
  
JACK  
  
That was so like Karen! I'll do Will.   
  
(MIMICS WILL) Hi, I'm Will Truman. My head's too big for my body and I'm gonna need plugs real soon.'  
  
GRACE  
  
Do me! Do me!  
  
JACK  
  
Hi, I'm Grace Adler. I have no boobies and can't find a man no matter how hard I try.'  
  
GRACE  
  
Nothing like me. This is me. 'Hi, I'm Grace Adler, and I'm about to stuff Jack McFarlane's fool head in a drier.'  
  
GRACE STUFFS JACK'S FOOL HEAD IN A DRIER.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
WILL AND GRACE ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH WATCHING BUFFY - THE VAMPIRE SLAYER ON TV.  
  
WILL  
  
I don't get this show. Buffy's meant to be the one slayer in all the world.   
  
So why do all the vampires hang out in Sunnydale? Wouldn't it make more sense if they went somewhere where there wasn't a homicidal blonde superbitch waiting to stake them?  
  
GRACE  
  
I like Willow, the lez. She's so freeking hot!  
  
WILL  
  
It's been a while since you've been with a man, hasn't it?  
  
GRACE  
  
Fair point.  
  
WILL  
  
I like Xander. Chunky body, bad hair, big feet.  
  
GRACE  
  
No, that's Tara, Willow's lez lover.  
  
WILL  
  
Oh right. I wondered about the man breasts.  
  
NEWSFLASH ON TV  
  
TV  
  
Breaking news. Harold 'Heavy Hands' Devoto broke out of a secure penal facility today.  
  
Devoto, serving 20 years for armed robbery with menaces, is said to be extremely dangerous.  
  
The public are advised not to approach Devoto but contact federal authorities immediately.  
  
We return you to your regularly scheduled programmes.  
  
WILL  
  
(BEAT) Grace, please tell me your new penpal doesn't know what you look like.  
  
GRACE  
  
I may have sent him one or two photographs of me.  
  
WILL  
  
One or two?  
  
GRACE  
  
One or two dozen.  
  
WILL  
  
What the hell were you thinking?  
  
GRACE  
  
He said I looked nice. Especially in lingerie.  
  
WILL  
  
You sent a convicted felon, serving 20 years, pictures of you wearing lingerie?  
  
GRACE  
  
Tasteful pictures. I was hardly showing any nipple at all.  
  
WILL  
  
Grace, this man hasn't had sex with a woman for 5 years. Do the words 'red rag to a bull' mean anything to you?  
  
GRACE  
  
Aren't prisoners allowed conjugal visits?  
  
WILL  
  
Yes. Yes, they are. But only if they're married. Hence the term conjugal.  
  
GRACE  
  
I did a stupid thing, didn't I?  
  
WILL  
  
The only thing stupider would be for you to send him a video of you naked.  
  
GRACE  
  
I didn't do that.  
  
WILL  
  
I'm relieved to hear it.  
  
GRACE  
  
I couldn't find a blank tape.  
  
INT. CLOTHES SHOP, NYC.  
  
JACK AND KAREN.  
  
JACK  
  
I want you to tear this guy a new one, Karen. Show no mercy.  
  
KAREN  
  
Leave it me, hon. I'll have this creep eating out my hand.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Can I help, madam? And -- oh, it's you. Mr Tushy.  
  
KAREN  
  
Hi, sparky. Me and my fruit friend here are returning some pants.   
  
Whether you like it or not.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Store policy. No refunds.  
  
KAREN  
  
You sure got some nerve. What's that on your top lip? My maid Rosario can grow a better mustache than that. In a day.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Very droll.  
  
KAREN  
  
You want droll? What's with the hair, Rogaine boy?   
  
Last time I saw something that pink and shiny it was being yanked out a womb and slapped.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
No refunds.  
  
KAREN  
  
What's that on your wrist - bacofoil?  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Hardly. It's a Rolex Oyster Perpetual. Limited edition.  
  
KAREN  
  
Limited edition down Mexacali way may be. Cheap knock off. This, honey, is a Rolex.  
  
THRUSTS WRIST UNDER C'S NOSE  
  
KAREN  
  
75,000 clams. Park Avenue, not Wetback Avenue. 24 carats.   
  
I had to dodge Stan's carrot for a month for this puppy.  
  
JACK  
  
Karen, let's leave. It's not working.  
  
KAREN  
  
Hold your horses there, fruit fly. We're not leaving till we get your - how much?  
  
JACK  
  
200 dollars.  
  
KAREN  
  
200 bucks? Jeez, honey. Stan's pants cost 200 a stitch.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
If you don't leave I will call security and have them deposit you both on the sidewalk.  
  
KAREN  
  
Sidewalk? Hang on a cotton picking minute there, sparky. The english don't call it the sidewalk. They call it the pavement.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Er, right. That's what I meant. The pavement.  
  
KAREN  
  
Hmmm. Tell me this - whereabouts does the Queen of England buy her jewelry?  
  
CLARENCE  
  
I...don't know.  
  
KAREN  
  
Aspreys, Bond Street.   
  
Who is Prince Charles's latest squeeze? Woman looks like a horse?  
  
CLARENCE  
  
I...don't know.  
  
KAREN  
  
Camilla Parker-Bowles.   
  
Where can you score Quualudes on a Saturday night in old London town?  
  
CLARENCE  
  
I.....  
  
KAREN  
  
Piccadilly Circus. Ask for Nigel the narc.  
  
CLARENCE  
  
Aright! I admit it. I'm not English. My name's not Clarence. I'm a phoney.  
  
My name's Bennie Berkowitz. I live with my mom in Queens.   
  
I'll give you the 200 dollars - plus a free pair of pants if you'll just please leave.  
  
KAREN  
  
Bennie, hon, you pitiful sad sack of a man, you got yourself a deal.  
  
JACK AND KAREN EXCHANGE HIGH FIVES.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT.  
  
GRACE ENTERS  
  
GRACE  
  
Any news on the tv? Omigod!  
  
WILL IS GAGGED AND TIED TO A CHAIR. HAL 'HEAVY HANDS' DEVOTO STANDS BESIDE HIM.  
  
HAL IS THICKSET AND MENACING. THINK RAY LIOTTA ON STEROIDS.  
  
HAL  
  
Hello, Grace. You look just like your pictures.  
  
GRACE  
  
Hal? What are you doing here?  
  
HAL  
  
I've come for you, Grace. I couldn't get those photographs you sent me out of my mind.  
  
WILL STRUGGLES  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, enough already. Even with a gag in your mouth I can hear you saying 'I told you so'.  
  
Hal, you've got to untie Will. He chafes easily.  
  
HAL  
  
No can do, babe. I'm going to chop your boyfriend into little pieces and feed them to the fishes.  
  
GRACE  
  
Will's not my boyfriend. He's gay.  
  
HAL  
  
Nice try.  
  
GRACE  
  
Hel - lo! Does this look like a straight guy's apartment to you?   
  
Pictures of nude men on the walls, crepe pans, copies of Cosmo all neatly indexed?  
  
HAL  
  
Now that you mention it it does seem kinda fruity.  
  
GRACE  
  
Kinda? It's queerer than Christmas.  
  
HAL  
  
Ok. The gag can come off.  
  
HAL UNDOES WILL'S GAG.  
  
WILL  
  
Hal, listen to me. It's not too late. I can help you. I'm a lawyer.  
  
HAL  
  
I hate lawyers.  
  
WILL  
  
Did I say lawyer? I meant carpenter.   
  
I love the feel of wood in my hands, in so many ways...  
  
KAREN ENTERS  
  
KAREN  
  
Hey, Grace. Wilma.  
  
HAL  
  
Karen? Is that you?  
  
KAREN  
  
Why it can't be - Harry Devoto?  
  
HAL AND KAREN HUG  
  
KAREN  
  
Long time no see. Put on a bit of weight, hon. Here. There. And everywhere.   
  
Hell, honey, you're a Beatles tune set to flab!  
  
GRACE  
  
(HISSES) Karen, he's an escaped convict!  
  
HAL  
  
So, Karen, I hear you're married now? Hook a juicy one?  
  
KAREN  
  
The juiciest, honey. Loaded and with a dodgy ticker. It's a marriage made in heaven but consumated in hell.  
  
GRACE  
  
You two know each other?  
  
HAL  
  
Sure. Karen used to be Davey the shiv's moll.  
  
GRACE  
  
You were a moll? People called you Karen the moll? To your face?  
  
KAREN  
  
Honey, it's the oldest story in the book.  
  
Boy meets girl.   
  
Girl becomes moll.  
  
Boy says we gotta lie low.  
  
Girl says it's better if I'm on top.  
  
WILL  
  
Davey the shiv? I'm guessing he wasn't a nice jewish boy who loved his mom?  
  
HAL  
  
The shiv was Davey's weapon of choice.  
  
KAREN  
  
I haven't thought of Davey in years. How is the old softie?  
  
HAL  
  
Serving 30 to life in Rikers. Armed robbery with menaces.  
  
WILL  
  
The old softie.  
  
KAREN  
  
When you see him, tell him love and kisses from Karen.  
  
HAL  
  
I'm not going back. Once I've sliced and diced this guy, Grace and I are heading south of the border.  
  
KAREN  
  
You're going on the lam? That takes me back. Life on the edge.   
  
Never knowing where your next hi ball was coming from.  
  
GRACE  
  
South of the border? Mexico? I can't live in Mexico. The heat, the flies, the food.   
  
Will, tell him Mexican food brings me out in hives.  
  
HAL  
  
Grace, every since you sent me that picture of you in a peekaboo bra, I can't get you out of mind. Marry me, and I'll carve your name in blood all the way to Tiajuana.  
  
GRACE  
  
Marry you? Oh my. This is all so sudden.  
  
WILL  
  
Grace...  
  
GRACE  
  
Shush, Will. No one ever proposed to me before. Give me a moment.  
  
WILL  
  
Grace, you can't be serious. He's a homicidal maniac - no offense.  
  
GRACE  
  
Hal, I've decided. I --  
  
LOUD BANGING ON THE DOOR.  
  
FBI  
  
This is the FBI! The building's surrounded, Devoto. Give yourself up.  
  
HAL  
  
The Feds! They'll never take me. I'll kill you all first.  
  
HAL'S EYES ROLL TO THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AND HE COLLAPSES TO THE FLOOR.  
  
KAREN HAS SANDBAGGED HIM WITH A BLACKJACK.  
  
GRACE  
  
Karen! What did you do?  
  
KAREN  
  
Just a little tap on the noggin with a blackjack, Grace.   
  
Nothing to get your panties in a twist over.  
  
WILL  
  
You carry a blackjack in your purse?  
  
KAREN  
  
Sure, honey. If Stan gets too frisky - bop! - nighty night, sweetums, see you in the morning.  
  
WILL  
  
Karen, I never thought I'd say this, but your freaky sex toy has saved my life. Thank you.  
  
KAREN  
  
You're welcome, honey. You need a hand with the ropes?  
  
WILL  
  
Please.(BEAT) Uh, Karen, you're tightening the knots.  
  
KAREN  
  
Shush, Wilma. Karen knows what she's doing.  
  
INT. WILL'S APARTMENT. A DAY OR TWO LATER.  
  
WILL AND GRACE ARE ON THE COUCH. WILL IS MASSAGING GRACE'S FEET.   
  
IT'S A COSY, BUCOLIC SCENE.  
  
WILL  
  
So Hal's back behind bars?  
  
GRACE  
  
Yup. Doing an extra 20 years.  
  
WILL  
  
You'll be nearly 70 when he gets out. Think you'll hook up?  
  
GRACE  
  
Nah. I'll be in Florida then. Playing mah-jong and scooping my butt off the floor.  
  
WILL  
  
You weren't seriously going to say yes when he proposed?  
  
GRACE  
  
Will, I was so caught up in the excitement of the moment who the hell knows.  
  
WILL  
  
Grace the moll. Has a certain ring to it.  
  
JACK ENTERS. HE'S DANCING AND SINGING JAMES BROWN'S 'PAPA'S GOT A BRAND NEW BAG'.  
  
JACK  
  
Check it out. Papa's got brand new pants! Papa's got brand new pants!  
  
JACK BENDS DOUBLE AND STICKS HIS TUSHY IN THE AIR.  
  
HIS PANTS SPLIT UP THE SEAM.  
  
WILL  
  
Looks like Papa's gonna need brand new brand new pants.  
  
***  
  
THE END  
  
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*** 


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